This is a brief summery of what I have noticed of just how many people have lasting trauma as well as how I and others have learned to live with it. I hope my journal and the observations I have made could do some good and others may be able to start towards a better life.
While I was attending an event with my wife on a totally unrelated topic, I was being open and explained why I live a Zero Fucks Lifestyle. Let me clarify by saying it’s not that I don’t care about anything, it’s that I don’t care about other peoples opinions of me. I am honest with others and don’t hide who I am. I “Stay Zero” as many of my former Teammates and Military Brothers do.
When someone asked a question of what I want to improve in my life? I expressed at times due to the horrific things I have witnessed and the loss I have endured throughout my life at times I feel numb. Let me preface this discussion with the topic we where discussing in the presentation. The point of the topic was eloquently displayed in a graphic which graphically depicted a persons life balance as being either Above or Below what I called a status quo or regulated area and when a conflict or event happens it will have one of two effects. It will have an exhilarating or anxiety dissregulating feeling or a depressive or painful dissregulating effect.
When Jillian From the Blog Montana Money Adventures described this concept at her presentation, during a comment period I explained my life as the following: I have lived a live of constant hardship and trauma along with training which is designed to push a person to the ragged edge if not a breaking point. After which the person can then realize just how much their brain mentally and their body physically can endure, achieve and perform under adverse conditions.
I told Jillian how I felt this training and life experience moved my Status line into the dissregulated low area explaining how I have seen others in my situation who used a extreme lifestyle to essentially move their status line back up to the norm. When explaining this I noticed during normal activities with my family when I thought I was interacting normally with my kiddos when they asked, “Daddy are you happy?” I have also heard “Daddy be happy.” These types of events along with how I seemed to react in an emotionally numb manner during an extremely gruesome and tragic events at work in which my coworkers where obviously effected. I told the audience openly, my goal is to insure my Kiddos and Family understand my love for them. I lost my Father and Grandfather at a young age and know first had the loss of those close to you. I felt even though I have no control of my history, from this point forward as long as I live I will cherish my time with my family and do everything I can making sure my children understand my love for them. Even if i may not seem to smile that often, I assure you that when their I ask my Kiddos “How Much Does Daddy Love You?” Their reply is “For Ever and Ever!” I want them to know there is not only the deep love I have for them, but that it is endless and will continue as long as we share time on Earth and long after I am gone.
My purpose for this Blog or Journal is to reflect on my life and hopefully those who read and comment may read and take in any good things I have done that they may use to have a better life. If you or a friend have ever experienced this, you are not alone and there is a path to enjoy life again.
After realizing the numbness in my life I began my journey of research into ways people cope with life after traumatic events. Bear with me as I can only describe my journey as peaks and valleys. There are different thoughts of how to deal with these conditions. Some treatments deal in drug regimens where others deal with cognitive therapy. Some people when prescribing their treatments dealing with this are “True Believers” their system is the only and best way.
Fundamentally I have always lived life thinking I have not learned and I do not know everything. Those people who claim to be the sole provider of the only effective technique have always raised red flags in my mind. People who claim they can cure a condition which has a fundamental foundation of an implanted and deeply embedded memory seem to be more of a snake oil salesman than a professional in the field.
In my personal view, once an event is so tied and imprinted within your mind there is no way to remove it with the exception of a lobotomy. Promising a permanent solution to memory which could be aggravated or what some doctors called triggered by random daily events is in my opinion harmful and unethical. Why do I use such words? When you promise a permanent solution to a reoccurring problem you are setting people up for future failure. Where I have no experience with AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) I do believe their system of telling people they will and are always effected by their demons is a more honest approach. When you give people realistic expectations of a prescribed treatment then give them the tools to deal with it as well as a widespread and understanding support network it seems to me a more logical pathway for a successful fulfilling life.
Within this Blog I intend on continuing my search for peace and hope to be supportful for those whom reach out here with questions and stories. As much as I can I would like people to learn or interact so they can move forward in their lives.
Where I am not a professional and will never claim to be, I will share my journey which I hope may be helpful and allow others to follow in trace. I heard something long ago and it seems to fit here:
I promise you nothing, but will give you everything!
I am not sure of the origin of that statement and of course it’s not about cures and a paycheck. At some point I may attempt putting a book of thoughts together, but the information within it will be my insights from this Blog. It will just be in a more structured and organized layout. I look forward to any interaction and insights of anyone whom may read this have. Until then, find joy in your life one day at a time.