For Better or Worse

You can see the Fire (downside) or you can see the Salvation from it (upside)

The most empowering moment I have had strangely was realizing the Scar, For Better or for Worse was there forever!

This seems counterintuitive, but it allowed me to move to the next phases of getting better. Realization permanency allows you to focus and look for methods of dealing with it, finding was of coping with a lifelong condition. This is where my earlier suggestion of dealing with the condition like an alcoholic treats liquor, for me was based on the understanding for me the memories would always be there. Controlling how those memories effected my life are things I focused on controlling.

This process wasn’t always pretty and there where times I would forget it. When I did drift away from a constant focus on my baseline I noticed regression to past attitudes and behaviors. For me some of the behaviors I noticed would be impulsive behaviors, when I look back on things now it’s almost as if I was trying to act poorly in some type of an attempt to give people around me justification to leave. Almost like I was trying to allow people to escape a sinking ship or a out of control runaway train.

I have seen people during this phase of the process attempt or commit suicide. That was never in my thoughts or an option as I have seen the damage it reeks on the loved ones left behind. Look, I understand people can become desperate when they are in pain but in my mind I saw it as an act of selfishness and cowardice. I know that’s not a touchy-feely thing to put out there but fuck it, I have had to hold the Wives, Mothers, Children and Family Members Of people who took that path. For me I looked at it as a mathematical equation, one person who could attempt to get through the suffering (1) or the countless (1-100) people who would be impacted or have their lives destroyed by the act. Sometimes tough love calls for tough words and showing actions have consequences.

All I would want people to think on about this is the situation is for better or for worse. That’s means their are ups and downs. But life for everyone has ups and downs, I justified it in my mind as me being normal. It’s just my downs came with some pretty horrific memories. But also my ups where inspirational, yours can be as well.

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