Sometimes daily conversations bring up old memories. I have been thinking back on things I experienced in the past. A great phrase I remember keeps flashing in my mind, Don’t stare into the abyss, someday it will stare back.
While I was in the military as well as after through all the other jobs I have had, I started realizing there was a toll being taken on me and my family. It was almost like a tax or tally that was cumulative and built over time through the years with the more I witnessed. Over time I began to realize it was like I was seeing the civility and even humanity slowly leaving my body as my soul becoming more ferrel.
You see, being exposed to evil then being betrayed those you were forced to put your faith in destroys you. Eventually it morphs into you being in a constant state of survival or fight/flight status. It becomes you against the world and the only ones you can seemingly relate to are others who have seen that evil and felt the sting of the unexpected betrayal, sometimes by your leaders.
To me, I have lost so many Brothers and seen such evil that I feel hate or anger when I hear that one of my Brothers lost his war to the demons in the abyss that drug them into the darkness one too many times. It’s almost as if I see us all on the battlefield fighting the last siege and their act is yet another betrayal.
That coupled with knowing first hand, time and time again, the impact and destructive influence of their succumbing to the call of the demons means and how it destroys everything and everyone that Brother has ever loved and cared about.
It’s strange, mentally I can understand a person choosing to take themselves off the chessboard if they’re terminally ill to relieve their agony. But without that justification of the emanate outcome, my brain simply can’t accept anyone giving into the darkness.
Don’t get me wrong, I am always there for my Brothers. I will do anything to help them heal and survive their battle. I try finding ways to support them constantly. I know I need to find ways of resolving my losses I continue to suffer with feelings other than resentment and hate that their actions have brought me to feel once again.
The military mentality is different, the way we talk to each other is often unacceptable and misunderstood by civilians. We sometimes call and honestly in a joking manner to us say “Hey, making sure you weren’t dead yet” almost like it’s an expected outcome of our lives. It often seems to us, we inevitably will die in some type of Combat. If our time getting blown up and shot at is over then the Demons we have hidden away, tucking them deeply into our brain are inevitably expected to catch up to us sooner rather than later.
All we can do is continue to find reasons to love those we have lost and find ways to slay the demons who attempt to ambush us throughout our lives.
Joy After Trauma 