It’s strange sometimes, once you think you’ve adapted to everything you realize you need to dust off your boots and put in some more work. I noticed I had managed the symptoms of trauma through hard work, meditation and repetitive low impact physical activity which mostly consisted of swimming and walking due to injuries. However, life happens and you get a setback that stops the flow of what had been so effective and you start to notice physiological effects building up once again.
I may not have mentioned this before, but one of the first and most persistent effects I have had from the chaos I had been exposed to was never ending insomnia. I have tried medication, both prescribed as well as natural alternatives such as melatonin. So far nothing has really fixed the issue. On average I sleep about 4-5 hours a night with an occasional night that may stockpile a whopping 6-7 hours.
For anyone that has experienced the long sleeplessness that is never ending, mine is simple, I lay in bed and my mind is wide awake it simply can’t shut off. I’ve tried physical activity to exhaust myself in an attempt to shut everything down. I have also gone in the opposite direction of having calming tea and white noise to meditate. I am sure my tinnitus doesn’t help with my brain being incapable of shutting down but there is very little remedies for that other than more white noise. Recently I noticed my physiology shift so I figured it would be a good time to look back at events throughout my life possibly trying to resolve something and bring my body to a calmer state.
For me, talking to another Veteran or someone I know who had experienced trauma was always easier than the thought of a stranger or family member. You see, my job has always been that of a protector and bringing the past gruesome events up to innocent people you love, possibly damaging them was a nonstarter.
Also, I have seen both first hand as well as through my Brothers if you expose the evil you have witnessed and violence you have been forced to deal out many people will often look at you in a different way or in the worst circumstances simply ostracize you. You will frequently see a glare or the shielded gaze in the way people who have seen your demons look at you. Once you observe this there is no doubt in your mind they have lost all connection to you and now view you as a creature they are uncomfortable with.
The realization of my own scars started several years after the events actually occurred. Now that I look back, I know some dealings of loss happed in my childhood. I lost my Grandfather on my Mothers side and my Father starting at 12 and then 13. I never really thought of those as major events, more like just bad luck. Mostly because of how my family came together to raise us afterwords . My Mother was great, she jumped straight into securing a more stable full time job and her brother my Uncle where both really was there for me. I immediately began working for him at his business as well as at the family farm, learning about how to make a life and the importance of hard work.
I immediately enlisted in the Marine Corps during high school and leaving just after Graduation. I knew if I went to college it would simply be wasting time and money. So that was it, off to become a Grunt. In the Marine Corps I loved the job, starting off as a Machine-gunner then transitioning to Reconnoissance. Once that happened I started getting selected for more independent and solo or small team jobs throughout the rest of my career. The more independent, challenging and risky the better. Because those challenges always had the most satisfying feeling once completed.
It’s hard sometimes to explain to people what it’s like to be a Marine or the weight of being responsible for other peoples lives. It’s also impossible to describe what you will do to protect your Brothers, regardless of the cost or risk to yourself.
As a leader you sometimes have to stand up and speak out to superiors with something they may not want to hear, no. You have to simply ignore how that may affect your career. But even worse, sometimes in War you are given a mission that the General who is briefing you honestly and boldly tells you they don’t know if you will make it through the situation they are putting you in. But when both you and the General know that what they are asking or ordering you to do is because you are the bulwark that has to resolve the situation or your unit could sustain more, possibly massive losses.
When that happened to me, I went back into our Bunk-room seeing the guys getting jacked up excited to go on the mission. I realized, I owed it to them to inform them the full breath of the situation and how bad it looked overall so they knew what we were getting into even though I knew they would go no matter how grave the situation was. We were used to going out in two to three man sniper teams for months. So once we got the mission and where launching all together nothing seemed to phase anyone.
Later in life some of the situations not the War seemed to eat at me. The biggest things I noticed effecting me were things that happened to children and the feeling of betrayal by non military leadership, or lack there of, as well as the news media and their lies and misrepresentations. I will write separately about those.
For now I will end it thinking of the Pride and Honor I had heading out on a mission with my Brothers walking miles across the desert under the cover of an AC-130 Gunship guiding our unit into the heart of the city of Hit late on a night Raid and the establishment of a temporary Combat Outpost.
Joy After Trauma 